Stan,Stan he's our man. If he can't do it nobody can!!! Stan drives a big white Ford with "CODE ENFORCEMENT" stamped across the back in huge letters. He is a man of SIZE and his car looks like it has been built around him. Stan drives around town looking for people who have broken the rules,or rather some of the people. He is often seen with pen and pad in hand writing notes and leaving them on the door knobs of unsuspecting rule breakers. Seems like the greatest offenders are not cited and others get picked on for minor infractions. In some areas of town the infractions are so huge Stan is apparently blinded by the sheer magnitude of the situation. These are the residences that look like old garbage dumps with trash, debris and junk strung out all over the place. Some yards have rusted out junkards up on cinder blocks with old car parts strung everywhere. I see old homes where unmowed grass and vines have overtaken the residence. Critters of all types are hiding in the tall grass and making it their home. Nothing seems to change unless someone relentlessly complains or goes beyond the chain of command.
In contrast you have the case of two little old ladies who were having a garage sale on a Saturday. They got blasted by Stan for the little sign they had posted in the front yard. Apparently this is a code violation. Also, one of the churches was having their annual community yard sale with the proceeds of the sale being distributed among the underprivileged. During the sale, with a crowd of onlookers, he told the church workers their garage sale signs had to be removed.
I have a neighbor whose place is neatly landscaped and he keeps his yard well maintained. He happened to have an old aquarium which was used for draining the water out of his boat. The aquarium was located on the ground behind the boat and not in plain view from the street, but he got cited for that. I think you get the picture. So when THE ENFORCER comes moseying down your street, be on the alert;you could be next!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
How BIZARRE!
***Warning: Not for the faint of heart!***
As I said in my cast of characters, KC is a cat hoarder. Not only does she have 50+ cats in her house, she feeds every stray cat that comes around. She is crazy about cats. And I don't use the word "crazy" lightly. I've known her for about nine years and I swear it's time the song "they're coming to take me away" happens to her.
Can you just imagine what it's like in that den of filth KC calls home? The one time Helga went in the house she said there were feces, urine and vomit all over the place. It made her sick just walking in the door. I'm sure she was not exaggerating when she said she would NOT go back into that house without a hazmet suit on. I wouldn't go in that house with a suit on!
KC’s cats are very well fed and holidays are quite the feast at her house. At least it is for the cats. She buys a big turkey and cooks it for them and they all sit down and eat it together. She told Helga that sometimes when she’s eating, the cats jump up and grab the food as she puts it in her mouth. She gently chastises them for their lack of table manners. Note to self: Don't ever eat food cooked by somebody I don't know whose house I haven't been in.
KC communicates with her cats. She saw a stray kitten hanging around M’s house and told M the kitten had been talking with her. One of her cats is her “guard dog” and gets between her and anyone that she talks with. According to her, he “knows people.” When she goes outside and claps her hands, cats magically appear. I swear she is the Pied Piper of the feline community.
KC used to hire Joe Cool to build her a coffin every time one of her cats passed away. Certain specifications had to be met before her cats could be laid to rest. The coffin couldn't just be a wooden box. No sirree! It had to be a wooden box lined with silk material, long enough that the cat's body would have plenty of room to stretch out. Can't have a cramped dead cat, can we??? Then the deceased cat was buried in her back yard.
The cats rested in peace until one day she found out... she could have the cats cremated when they died. She began frantically digging up the remains so she could have the ones already buried hauled to the pet crematorium. There happened to be one little problem, she couldn't find one of the coffins. She’s been distressed over this and plans to hire someone with a metal detector. She’s hoping the detector will pick up the nails in the coffin and she can find the missing cat.
When one of KC's cats die, she goes through a ritual that makes me cringe when I think about it. Out of respect, she keeps the dead cat in her house for 24 hours before she sends it to be cremated. Once it's cremated it's tiny little urn is placed on the mantle with the others.
KC made arrangements with the funeral director to have the little urns buried with her when she departs this earth. Then she came up with what she thought would be a divine plan and presented it to Helga. She suggested Helga and her dog be cremated so they could all be stored together. Helga had a hard time containing her laughter on that one.
As I said in my cast of characters, KC is a cat hoarder. Not only does she have 50+ cats in her house, she feeds every stray cat that comes around. She is crazy about cats. And I don't use the word "crazy" lightly. I've known her for about nine years and I swear it's time the song "they're coming to take me away" happens to her.
Can you just imagine what it's like in that den of filth KC calls home? The one time Helga went in the house she said there were feces, urine and vomit all over the place. It made her sick just walking in the door. I'm sure she was not exaggerating when she said she would NOT go back into that house without a hazmet suit on. I wouldn't go in that house with a suit on!
KC’s cats are very well fed and holidays are quite the feast at her house. At least it is for the cats. She buys a big turkey and cooks it for them and they all sit down and eat it together. She told Helga that sometimes when she’s eating, the cats jump up and grab the food as she puts it in her mouth. She gently chastises them for their lack of table manners. Note to self: Don't ever eat food cooked by somebody I don't know whose house I haven't been in.
KC communicates with her cats. She saw a stray kitten hanging around M’s house and told M the kitten had been talking with her. One of her cats is her “guard dog” and gets between her and anyone that she talks with. According to her, he “knows people.” When she goes outside and claps her hands, cats magically appear. I swear she is the Pied Piper of the feline community.
KC used to hire Joe Cool to build her a coffin every time one of her cats passed away. Certain specifications had to be met before her cats could be laid to rest. The coffin couldn't just be a wooden box. No sirree! It had to be a wooden box lined with silk material, long enough that the cat's body would have plenty of room to stretch out. Can't have a cramped dead cat, can we??? Then the deceased cat was buried in her back yard.
The cats rested in peace until one day she found out... she could have the cats cremated when they died. She began frantically digging up the remains so she could have the ones already buried hauled to the pet crematorium. There happened to be one little problem, she couldn't find one of the coffins. She’s been distressed over this and plans to hire someone with a metal detector. She’s hoping the detector will pick up the nails in the coffin and she can find the missing cat.
When one of KC's cats die, she goes through a ritual that makes me cringe when I think about it. Out of respect, she keeps the dead cat in her house for 24 hours before she sends it to be cremated. Once it's cremated it's tiny little urn is placed on the mantle with the others.
KC made arrangements with the funeral director to have the little urns buried with her when she departs this earth. Then she came up with what she thought would be a divine plan and presented it to Helga. She suggested Helga and her dog be cremated so they could all be stored together. Helga had a hard time containing her laughter on that one.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Regarding, KC, A.K.A., Crazy Cat Lady
KC has a fondness for roaming the streets at night and sleeping during the day. She is known in our neighborhood as a "pistol-packin" mama. I hear she has quite the "collection." The P.D. is aware of this fact, but I get the impression that they do not take her too seriously. Considering some of the other "shenanigans" that go on around here, should we be surprised?
There was a time, not so long ago, when KC was known to have confronted her long-time neighbor, Mary's boyfriend. It was late evening and dark shadows were cascading across the lawn. After a romantic little rondevous, this handsome Latino male was making an exit down the steps of his girlfriend's small apartment. Like one of her cats sneaking up on a tiny lizard, KC came creeping out from behind the azalea bushes. With pistol in hand and pointing his way, she said, "Hey, buddy, I've never seen you before and you don't look like you belong here." Immediately, his hands reached for the sky and he began nervously responding to her relentless interrogation.
After a few minutes, Mary realized that she hadn’t heard Jasper’s car start. She went outside to see what was going on and was horrified at the scene in front of her. After convincing KC that Jasper was a friend of hers, KC put the gun away and Jasper fled to his fancy red sports car and roared off in a cloud of smoke. To this day, no one has seen hide nor hair of this young man.
Another incident regarding KC was the time (again, it was in the dark of night) when she confronted a homeless vagrant. There was an old dump of a house that had been delivered via a giant house-moving trailer to an empty lot across the street. The house sat there forever and a day, with nothing done to it, looking very ugly and empty. I guess it looked like a pretty good deal to the homeless man, a way for him to get some protection from the elements.
Well, KC had other notions and with pistol in tow, she yelled at the man and asked him what his intentions were. I guess he was more than a little frightened when he saw a screeching woman with a shock of white hair headed toward him with a gun. This must have sent him over the edge because he high tailed it out of there so fast, it was like he had become a "super hero" with accelerated speed injected into his feet.
I do not speak with KC on a regular basis because she is a such a "hard nut to crack", but I did inquire about this particular incident. I asked her if she wasn't just a little bit concerned that a character such as this homeless guy might have a weapon himself, such as a knife. She let me know real quick (as only KC can) that she did not intimidate that easily and that no one was going to get the jump on her! What came to my mind at this point was a quote from the famous Ace Ventura, “Well, alrighty then!”
I’m sure that KC’s sweet Daddy is looking down with pride at his baby girl as she patrols the streets at night, packin’ some heat. I would like to say that I sleep much better knowing she’s got it all under control. Or at least she thinks she does. You see, she is a "legend in her own mind."
There was a time, not so long ago, when KC was known to have confronted her long-time neighbor, Mary's boyfriend. It was late evening and dark shadows were cascading across the lawn. After a romantic little rondevous, this handsome Latino male was making an exit down the steps of his girlfriend's small apartment. Like one of her cats sneaking up on a tiny lizard, KC came creeping out from behind the azalea bushes. With pistol in hand and pointing his way, she said, "Hey, buddy, I've never seen you before and you don't look like you belong here." Immediately, his hands reached for the sky and he began nervously responding to her relentless interrogation.
After a few minutes, Mary realized that she hadn’t heard Jasper’s car start. She went outside to see what was going on and was horrified at the scene in front of her. After convincing KC that Jasper was a friend of hers, KC put the gun away and Jasper fled to his fancy red sports car and roared off in a cloud of smoke. To this day, no one has seen hide nor hair of this young man.
Another incident regarding KC was the time (again, it was in the dark of night) when she confronted a homeless vagrant. There was an old dump of a house that had been delivered via a giant house-moving trailer to an empty lot across the street. The house sat there forever and a day, with nothing done to it, looking very ugly and empty. I guess it looked like a pretty good deal to the homeless man, a way for him to get some protection from the elements.
Well, KC had other notions and with pistol in tow, she yelled at the man and asked him what his intentions were. I guess he was more than a little frightened when he saw a screeching woman with a shock of white hair headed toward him with a gun. This must have sent him over the edge because he high tailed it out of there so fast, it was like he had become a "super hero" with accelerated speed injected into his feet.
I do not speak with KC on a regular basis because she is a such a "hard nut to crack", but I did inquire about this particular incident. I asked her if she wasn't just a little bit concerned that a character such as this homeless guy might have a weapon himself, such as a knife. She let me know real quick (as only KC can) that she did not intimidate that easily and that no one was going to get the jump on her! What came to my mind at this point was a quote from the famous Ace Ventura, “Well, alrighty then!”
I’m sure that KC’s sweet Daddy is looking down with pride at his baby girl as she patrols the streets at night, packin’ some heat. I would like to say that I sleep much better knowing she’s got it all under control. Or at least she thinks she does. You see, she is a "legend in her own mind."
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