The Beekeepers

Our neighbor, Willie, had a beehive in his backyard, which he was very proud of. Sometimes his bees would wander off for awhile and find a place they liked better. He seemed a little sad when the bees would disappear and often said, "I sure hope they come back."

Joe Cool, also, had an interest in bees and was trying to maintain a hive of his own. One day he happened to notice a swarm of bees hovering around our little mother-in-law house in the backyard. There was an opening where an old stove pipe had once been located and they were flying in and out of the hole. The bees had made their home inside the wall. He approached Mr. Man, my husband, and told him that he knew how to take control of this situation and brought his small ladder over to the little house. As he climbed the ladder, he said, "You take this mirror, see, and hold it above the hole and you will see the hive." Sure enough, Mr. Man looked at the reflection and saw a lot of buzzing going on inside. Curiosity got the best of Willie and he came over to take it all in. After all, this could be his hive.

Joe Cool had a home-made contraption that he had come up with called a "smoker." He had put a piece of green turf inside a can and then lit it which produced a stream of smoke. Mr. Man and Willie, knowing better, stood way back as they observed the process and watched the "master at work." The bees seemed to get a little agitated and Joe Cool began to flinch and jump, as he got zapped a few times. He said, "Well, this ain't workin." He came down the ladder and said he had something else he wanted to try, but that would be for another day.

One evening, Joe Cool decided to give it another go and returned to the beehive with an old canister-type vacuum cleaner. His plan was to suck the bees out of the hole. Once again he climbed the ladder as Mr. Man stood by being somewhat amused at this latest maneuver. Joe Cool's body began to jerk and he stiffened up a bit. He had agitated those bees once more and they were ticked off to say the least. After he got zapped a few times, he came back down the ladder and said he couldn't get the hose in far enough. He told Mr. Man, "I ain't goin’ up there no more. I'm done with it." Mr. Man decided the best thing to do was to close off the hole. Joe Cool’s ladder remained outside the little house for some time. I guess the whole thing had left a bad taste in his mouth. Mr. Man finally picked up the ladder and lifted it back over to his side of the fence. After that, the beehives seemed to disappear from the places they had once called home. I guess those little critters were trying to tell everybody to "buzz off!"

Joe Cool

One fine spring morning, my husband, A.K.A. Mr. Man, was stirring around in the yard trying to find things to do. He had broken a bone in his hand and had been off work for a couple of months, which was driving him crazy. He glanced up and happened to notice Joe Cool ambling across the street to Helga's house. It looked like he was going to do some serious tree trimming, because he had drug over his ladder and a chain saw. Helga had come out on her porch to watch or should I say "supervise."

As Mr. Man continued with his yard work, he couldn't help but notice what was going on across the street. Joe Cool had set his ladder up against Helga's oak tree and with chain saw in hand, he proceeded to trudge up the ladder. Something didn't seem quite right to my husband about this plan. For one thing, Joe Cool was a heavy weight and the ladder didn't look sturdy enough to hold him up. He was also leaning out with the chain saw to cut off the tree limbs. My husband was thinking to himself, "This looks like a disaster getting ready to happen." All of a sudden, there was a "snap" and down came Joe Cool, the ladder, chain saw, and tree limbs with a loud thud! Helga let out a blood curdling scream that would have woke the dead and she kept yelling, "Someone call 911," while she was holding her cordless phone and, bless her heart, wet her pants! Mr. Man began running and with his good hand, he grabbed the top of our chain link fence and hopped over to the other side. By the time he got inside Helga's gate, all you could see were the tree limbs covering Joe Cool's body and to my husband's horror, the chain saw was still running! As he was clearing away the limbs, he noticed the chain saw was still in Joe Cool's hand and he was able to shut it off.

Having the wind knocked out of him and looking confused and dazed, it was a wonder that this poor soul was not seriously injured. He was more embarrassed than anything else and kept saying that he was okay. Helga insisted that she call the paramedics, but he told her "absolutely not." He sat on her porch for a while to catch his breath and then slowly made his way back to his house across the street.

When I got home from work that evening and asked Mr. Man about his day, he had quite the story to tell. He felt Joe Cool had hurt himself more than he had let on and would be more than a little sore the next day. I asked him how he hopped our fence with a broken hand and he said he didn't really know, but he had had enough excitement for one day!

Big Jake

Jake is a guy who has certainly had his share of life's ups and downs. He often brings unfortunate circumstances on himself, as he is very outspoken and compelled to say what is on his mind. Seems like this gets him into a lot of hot water. I guess you could say he is not everyone's "cup of tea."

Jake and his buddies like to party hardy on "big game days" and holidays. The neighbors have seen them fire up the old grill and knock back a few cold ones from time to time. His neighbor, KC, A.K.A. crazy cat lady, becomes unnerved on these occasions. You see, Jake has always been an object of scorn as far as she is concerned. She blames him for everything that goes wrong in her neighborhood whether he is guilty or not and he seems to delight in anything that would remotely tick her off.

An especially favorite time of year for Jake and his gang is July 4th. One year they decided to put on a fireworks display which was truly awesome. There was a lot of hoopin' and hollerin' going on and none of them were feeling much pain. Crouched behind Joe Cool's bushes was none other than KC, herself, nervously observing the festivities as they began to unfold. All you could hear was the popping, crackling and whistling of the fireworks. I guess it was just more than KC could handle and she began to pace up and down the smoke-filled street. You see, she was afraid the hoard of cats in her house were going to go into "cardiac arrest." KC considered calling the P.D., but she knew what they would say, "After all, it is a holiday and people are just having a little fun!" To make matters worse, KC had an 85-year-old antique rose bush that she cherished. A spark fell from the sky and with a "swoosh" landed atop the prized rose bush. Needless to say, it became engulfed in flames and was burnt to a crisp. This was especially tragic for KC, as she said the treasured heirloom always bloomed on her birthday in December. Jake will never be forgiven for his role in this scenario.

KC had been on the verge of calling the fire department that fateful night, but she was able to put out the fire with the water hose. After all the drama that had ensued, she stomped off in a huff, glaring at Jake the whole way back to her house. As for Jake and his crowd, there was no way they could blame this one on the Mexicans!