Small Town America

What has happened to small-town America? Several years ago I moved to a charming little town off the beaten path. It reminded me of where my little grandmother used to live, back in the good ole days. However, in the last couple of years I have become somewhat disillusioned. The tentacles of evil seem to have found their way into this quaint little town. Often I see shady looking people walking and riding bikes by my house, some of whom don’t seem to be from the area. The pit bull population is on the rise as well. It seems a lot of people have them and for what purpose I do not know. Protection, maybe? The little wooded area close by appears to be a hiding spot for illegal transactions. After 10 years in this little town, I’ve come to know some very interesting folks.

Cast of Characters in My Town:

KC, A.K.A. Crazy Cat Lady - This sweetie is a regular Dr. Doolittle, but with some additional quirks, such as cat hoarding. She boasts her indoor cat population to be in excess of 50. The only one allowed in her house to verify this is her friend Helga. Helga having no idea what she was getting into was roped into helping KC one morning. This poor unsuspecting soul was quoted as saying, “Next time I have to go in that house, I’m wearing a hazmat suit!” Helga said there were cats running everywhere and it would be impossible to count them all.

Miss Dee - She happens to be a large, boisterous woman with a country attitude. And, the outside of her house? YIKES! It looks like something out of a gothic horror movie. Yep, strange things happen in Miss Dee’s house of horrors. It’s been known and documented (I even saw the obituary) that one of her “customers” expired (I’m not talking dates here, I’m talking dying, as in the real deal) on her couch. Rumor has it that he went to take a nap and never woke up. I’ll buy that one. There are comings and goings at all hours of the night over at Miss Dee’s house. We heard from the P.D. that this is being monitored by the “powers that be.” At least that’s what they said two years ago. We’re still hopeful...

Smitty - A jovial old soul who looks like a cross between Grizzly Adams and a rotund little Buddha, who happens to be friends with Miss Dee. Smitty will give you the shirt off his back, only you don’t know how clean it may or may not be. His personal hygiene leaves a lot to the imagination. He used to drive an old, huge “grocery getter” and you could hear it way before you saw him coming. It was called the “smitty” alert. Now he’s driving a quiet little compact and you never know when he’s around the corner headed at you. Seems there are always mis-fits and undesirables either living with, or hanging out at his house. The P.D. has been monitoring his house as well. Yawn...

Joe Cool - Just a good ole boy who means well, but... One day as I was walking my dog by his house I almost passed out from the vision in front of me. What to my wandering eyes should appear? There hanging in the fruit orchard was a gutted deer! Seems Joe Cool was filling up his freezer with Bambi’s mom. Joe Cool has a canine sidekick, a real howler of a dog, a fat little Beagle named Rose. Only she’s not a rose. She’s a thorn in everybody’s side with her incessant barking.

Thelma - A senior citizen whose yard looks like a little fairy garden with a white picket fence. Two vehicles in her driveway, three people living in the house and none of them have a valid driver’s license. Need I say more? So they have to pedal around town on their bicycles. Knowing the reason why they lost their driving privilege, makes one wonder how they navigate the traffic around town on their bikes. Due to Thelma’s problem she almost got sent to the “Big House,” only the judge let her go. Hmmm... never quite understood that one.

Roger Dodger - That’s his name, alcohol is his game. A slick guy who happens to be Thelma’s boyfriend, he has been known to pick on the opposite sex. Or should I say, “push, hit, knock down, beat up, etc.” the opposite sex?” Guess you get the picture. Seems the alcohol brings on his desire to beat up helpless women. Yes the P.D. knows all about Roger Dodger and has arrested him on numerous occasions. Doesn’t seem to matter. He serves a little time and history repeats itself.

Tommy Boy, A.K.A. Trick Pony - An ex-con who fancies himself as quite the Casanova. His truck reminds me of an ashtray on wheels. Tommy Boy’s greatest passion in life is “dumpster diving” and he lives by the motto, “Your trash is my cash.” He’s even been known to sell a possum or two in desperate times. How he comes by the possums is a whole other story. (Check back later for that post.) Tommy reminds me of a modern day Robin Hood. I see him all over town at all hours of the day and hear his “ashtray truck” leaving at all hours of the night. When he comes home from one of his runs, he backs his truck into the carport and quietly sneaks his loot into the house.

Miss Fancy Nancy - A kindly person who happens to be Tommy Boy’s woman. Nancy is also a hoarder. Boy, is she ever! Nancy hoards everything. If you set something by your curb, you can bet your sweet dollar that Nancy is going to snatch it up. You’ll see more food, floral arrangements and junk than you can shake a stick at, in plain view at her house. Nancy’s claim to fame is that she wants to get rid of Tommy, but can’t bring herself to let him go. You see she’s been smitten and bitten by the love bug, baby. These are mental pictures I don’t even want to think about. One has to wonder, is a love connection or the loot Tommy nets, that keeps Nancy from letting him go.

Helga - Oh my goodness what a sweet, sweet soul she is and a super sleuth if there ever was one! Most of my pertinent information comes from her and it always checks out. How does she do it? Well, back in her younger days she had a lot of connections with the P.D., lawyers, and court system, honing her investigative skills. I’ve seen pictures of her from her younger years and she was quite a “looker” in her day, a classic German beauty. She’s somewhat disabled now and not in the best of health, but is still an amazing woman and a close confidant.

The Burbs - Strange neighbors living a stone’s throw away. I call them “The Burbs” because they’re anti-social. If you ever saw that old Tom Hanks movie, “The Burbs,” you would understand my reasoning. In the movie there were dead bodies buried in the backyard, Even though my neighbors don’t look freakish like the characters in the movie, they certainly act it. Who knows what’s in their back yard? Inquiring minds want to know, or at least I do. Could it be a dead dog instead of a body??? I have hidden in the corner of my yard  and listened to Mr. Burb ranting and screaming at the dog simply because he knocked over his water bowl.

Ricky - The scary dude who doesn’t look the part and that’s what makes him so scary. Looks truly can be deceiving. Ricky is a known alcoholic, has been run out of stores, is a stalker, trespasser, and seems to get his kicks from making women feel uncomfortable. Yes, Ricky has an arrest record, duh! I’ve spoken to the P.D. about him and the officer I spoke with seems to think he’s harmless since all his altercations have been minor ones. I’ve encountered him twice and I don’t consider him to be harmless. It’s just a matter of time...

The Sundown Condos - A true “house of horrors” inhabited by people doing drugs and other unscrupulous acts. I know for a fact that two people have died there under mysterious circumstances. This has to be true because not only have I read it in the newspaper, but Helga has given me first hand information. I’ve seen the P.D. over there on numerous occasions. I don’t think they’re monitoring it because it seems to be after the fact, that they’ve shown up.

To be continued...